In April, my family experienced a great deal of stress. Our son, Benjamin, got an infection in his ankle.

What was initially thought of as a common skin infection turned out to be much worse. My husband, Joe, and I thought it was growing pains, but when Ben became unable to walk, we knew it wasn’t just that simple.

I am thankful for his pediatrician, at Children’s Healthcare in Allentown, who recommended we go to the emergency room that day when we had our appointment with her because this meant the infection was addressed earlier rather than later. The doctor at the ER made another recommendation - stay at the St. Luke’s Pediatric Unit, at least for observation. We really understood then this was becoming serious.

Once in the pediatric unit, the doctor and surgeon assessed the case and decided it was best to have a magnetic resonance imaging done, which was completed the very next morning, to see exactly what they were dealing with.

The surgeon had a good suspicion of what was happening, and he was right - the MRI showed an infection in the joint. He wouldn’t know until the surgery if the infection was also in Ben’s bone. Ben went into surgery right after the MRI. Unfortunately, the infection was in his bone, too.

After the surgery, rest, healing and physical therapy started. Soon after, the culture came back, and the doctor knew then which antibiotic to switch to, based on the results. A couple days later, we were back home.

We were in the hospital for almost a week. In addition to pain, not being able to walk, the MRI and the surgery, he had an intravenous the entire hospital stay, which nurses had to flush a few times, causing discomfort. Sleeping with the IV in was very uncomfortable for him, too, especially when he received a medication dose.

At least five blood tests were conducted during his stay, plus three more after coming home. He got sick from the general anesthesia for the MRI and surgery. He got sick from the strong antibiotics. He was in an unfamiliar and scary situation.

And he endured all of this at the age of 6.

Despite all of this trauma and at his age, we were blown away with how well he handled it. Was there crying? Absolutely. Were there breakdowns? For sure. Was there mental and physical exhaustion? Yes, for all of us. But we were truly in awe of his maturity.

He healed physically and mentally pretty quickly.

I kind of thought Ben’s resilience was just part of his makeup. But it appears that is only one factor.

Dr. Chelsea Z. Busch is a member of a mom group on Facebook I am also part of. She spoke with me about my family’s recent experience and provided advice on what other families can incorporate during traumatic events like surgery, cancer, a death in the family, divorce or homelessness.

“That is a lot for anyone to go through - children, adults, anyone. Not everyone would navigate that process in the same way. Some of what contributes to resilience is temperament, that sort of innate core of who we are,” she said. “A lot of it is our environment, what other stressors or protective factors have we been exposed to previously. But mostly, resilience is developed through a combination of those two things, often referred to colloquially as ‘nature through nurture.’ Two individuals can face the exact same situation and respond in vastly different ways that relate to their own individual temperaments and life experiences.

“Resilience is often conceptualized as this rare quality that children need to be taught and only few individuals naturally possess. But actually, resilience isn’t a trait that people possess; it’s more of a process that results from our connections with people and how we interact with our environments,” Busch added. “Resilience is developed through our interactions within systems - our family systems, our communities and our school systems - and things like relationships with warm, trusted adults, ability to identify and work through big emotions and capacity for learning and change. They are developed in the context of our daily environments, such as home, school, community centers and extracurricular activities, over the course of our everyday lives.”

Busch, who is from South Whitehall Township, earned her Ph.D. in pediatric school psychology from Lehigh University. Specializing in providing evidence-based treatments to children age newborn to 8 and their families, she has her own private practice.

“I think it’s important to understand that our job as parents is not actually to try to protect our kids from difficult things,” she noted. “It’s basically guaranteed that in life, our kids are going to face difficult things, no matter how hard we try to prevent it. We actually do a disservice to our children by trying to protect them instead of guiding them through developing the skills they need to get through tough situations.

“With that said, when difficult things happen suddenly, the best thing we can do is help children to face these things head on,” Busch said.

Busch provided four recommendations to use to help our kids handle and work through difficult times: Tell the truth; have an ongoing conversation; normalize their feelings and your own; and reassure them.

“It is important to provide truthful and concrete information to children about something difficult that is going to happen or has happened. Have an honest and developmentally appropriate conversation with them, which will help reduce their stress and anxiety and help them better understand what is happening,” Busch said.

She added it is crucial to prepare what you want to say to your children during the conversation.

“A lot of the time, children will return, seemingly at random, with questions or requesting clarification on things that may be happening. This can come in waves, and it may happen well after the initial conversation. Try to answer questions directly, honestly and with just enough information to answer the question asked,” she said.

Busch reminded us that it’s also OK to tell your child you don’t know the answer to that question at this time but will think about options or find out the answer to discuss it again.

“People react to difficult situations in a whole range of ways. Some people cry, some people laugh, and some people don’t feel much of anything at all,” she said. “All of that is normal, and it may change over the course of time. That is also normal.”

Busch said it’s perfectly fine and good to display your own feelings, which models emotion identification. This normalizes a multitude of feelings for them and provides them with the visual example that you, too, can feel angry, sad or frustrated. Then, continue to display how you process through those feelings in a safe, constructive way, she said.

“Although you may not be able to reassure your child that ‘everything is going to be OK,’ because maybe it isn’t, instead, reassure children that you or another trusted adult are there with them to help them navigate this process and that you are there to answer their questions and help guide them,” she said.

You are a “safe space” for your children to display and manage their feelings, Busch conveyed.

If you feel you need to seek professional resources for these type of situations, don’t hesitate to reach out, Busch said. For example, if your child is in the hospital, there may be pediatric psychologists, child life specialists or social workers to work with you and your family.

“Post-traumatic stress - different from post-traumatic stress disorder - for about two to four weeks is very normal following a traumatic event. If things get worse or do not improve within that time frame, it may be helpful for parents and children to process a traumatic experience through therapy,” Busch suggested.

Busch didn’t forget about us as parents. When our children are going through a difficult situation, many times so are we. She reminded us to build up our own loving communities so we can be supported to, in turn, support our kids.

“There is so much in life that we cannot control, and one of the hardest parts of parenting is learning to accept that. Instead, try to focus on building up the systems and communities around you so that when the hard things happen, you are not alone in navigating them,” she said.

A loving community was given to Joe and me at St. Luke’s Hospital, Fountain Hill. As much of a scary situation it was, the staff at the pediatric unit were phenomenal. Ironically, Ben didn’t want to leave the unit when we were discharged. He received compassionate care, humor and laughs during scary times, toys and books, age-appropriate explanations and more. One of his favorite things to do was watch his favorite shows on the big television in his room.

Although Ben was in the hospital, he still said, “I’m having a lot of fun.”

It has now been almost two months since Ben’s surgery, and he is doing very well. His antibiotic medication was finished a while ago, the blood tests are done, he is walking normally now, and he doesn’t have any more pain. Only one task is left: an X-ray in November to make sure bone growth is continuing.

We made sure to return the love we received at St. Luke’s by donating new toys and gifts for hospital volunteers to hand out to other families who are staying in the unit. This gave a smile to all the staff members, who were happy to see how well Ben was doing, when we visited last week. No words or acts of kindness could express our appreciation in how they all made a tough situation easier to handle.

I also thank Busch for contributing to this opinion piece and providing her expertise. I never want to have to face another stressful event like we did in April, but if the future holds that again for our family, I am going to revisit Busch’s words and remember to utilize this prior life experience to better navigate through the challenges.

Stacey Koch

editorial assistant

Whitehall-Coplay Press

Northampton Press

Catasauqua Press