Dear Jacquelyn,

I have a family member who I enjoy talking to, with one exception. She will tell me things others have told her and it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me wonder what she says about me when I am not around. I would like to be able to continue this relationship, but not being able to speak freely with her makes me uncomfortable. How can I steer conversations away from gossip?

Dear Reader,

Gossip is unnecessary and reflects poorly on character.

It would appear your relative is someone who thinks gossip is innocent and just makes it topics of conversation. This is far from the truth; it is hurtful and destroys reputations.

This type of behavior has negative consequences and is something you are right to want to avoid.

Whether it’s a family member or a friend, no one should engage in sharing private information about others. Family members, the people closest to you, are supposed to be the people you can trust.

You can try preserving your relationship by nipping this in the bud with some clever conversational skills.

Since you want to try to remain close to this relative when they make comments about others, stay neutral. Do not express your opinions. This only encourages the topic of conversation to continue.

You might try saying, “Do you think that person wants this known?” Let your family member know that what she is talking about sounds like a private matter and you want to respect that privacy.

You are right to be concerned. A person who will gossip about others is certainly likely to gossip to others about you. To prevent the far-reaching consequences of rumors, avoid sharing personal information about yourself or your family.

It’s important to realize you may not be able to change her behavior, but you can change your behavior and distance yourself. Always keep in mind that what you choose to discuss helps define who you are as a person.

Respectfully Yours,

Jacquelyn

Have a question? Email: jacquelyn@ptd.net. Jacquelyn Youst is owner of the Pennsylvania Academy of Protocol, specializing in etiquette training.

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