Q: I found out the parents of my 10-year-old son’s friend leave the boys alone at their house and let them go to the park unsupervised. I am not comfortable with this. How do I handle this without destroying my son’s friendship?

You need to set the limits for your child, the Family Project panel agreed.

“Explain to your son that you have a rule that he is not allowed to be in his friend’s house if there are no parents there,” said panelist Mike Daniels.

“Tell him, ‘My number one job is keeping you safe. I understand it may be frustrating for you,’” added panelist Chad Stefanyak.

“Focus on the fact that families can be different and the other family is not wrong. Tell him, ‘Not every family is like ours. If you feel this is affecting your friendship because we have different rules, we should talk about it. Rules are part of society,’” said Daniels.

“Have a conversation with your son explaining the reasons why you are not allowing him to spend time with his friend at his house. Go over the rules that you have established in your own home and tell him that those rules are not being followed at his friend’s house. Therefore, he will not be able to spend time with him anymore,” said panelist Wanda M. Arroyo.

“Talk to the other parents. Say you’re not comfortable with them being alone at the park. Explain, ‘These are my boundaries for my child. If you can’t follow them, your son is welcome to come to our house,’” noted panelist Denise Continenza.

“Invite the parents to your home so you can talk with them and get to know them. Communicate your expectations when your son goes to spend the night at their house,” Arroyo said.

“Don’t make excuses,” said panelist Pam Wallace. “Say, ‘You are 10-years-old and this is what I’m comfortable with.’”

Wallace said.

“It’s about being direct and honest,” agreed Stefanyak.

“Take it on yourself. Say, ‘I know I’m overprotective, but these are the rules,’” Continenza said.

“Talk to him if he struggles with not being allowed to do this. He may think, ‘Should I do it or not?’ Have a conversation about guilt. Ask, ‘How would it feel to know these are the rules and not follow them?’” Daniels said.

“You can also invite your son’s friend to your home so he can spend the night in your home, where you can control everything and you get to know him,” Arroyo said.

An alternative is to arrive early and watch the boys yourself, Continenza suggested.

“By this age, children have cell phones. Tell him he needs to text you regularly so you can keep tabs on him,” Daniels said.

This week’s panel: Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist; Pam Wallace, child welfare community advocate, and Wanda M. Arroyo, former teacher and school administrator.

Have a question? Email: jhines@cscinc.org

The Family Project is provided by Community Services for Children’s Project Child.

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