Q: I am a divorced mom of two sons, ages 7 and 4, Their father has been very inconsistent in visiting. He has afternoon visitation whenever he can make it, but often cancels, upsetting the boys. After this happens, they often misbehave. What suggestions does the panel have?

The boys need less explanations and more compassion, suggested the Family Project panel.

“It’s important to recognize the misbehavior is a quest for attention that is very appropriate developmentally. Trying to explain why dad isn’t there doesn’t help. These kids are in an emotional, experiential stage of life,” said panelist Mike Daniel.

“Children often don’t understand why adults don’t do things. They are just in the emotion of it,” agreed panelist Joanne Raftas.

Raftas suggested that you don’t tell the boys when their father is scheduled to visit until the last minute.

“That way if their father cancels, it is less of a letdown. You can’t make other people do things, so you have to help the children get their needs met in other ways with compassion,” Raftas added.

“Accept that you sons are sad and hurting and need to be with you,” Daniels said.

He explained that misbehavior results from disappointment and emotions that have turned into energy.

“Help them experience energy in a positive way. Dance with them and spin around the living room,” said Daniels.

“You are not taking away their disappointment. You are refilling them with unconditional attention. Redirect them with positive energy,” Daniels said.

Raftas suggested that you look deeper at your own response.

“Sometimes when adults get angry, they set the kids up for more hurt. You are mad at their dad for not being there for the,” said Raftas.

“Stop making dad the bad guy. Calm everyone down, including yourself. You have to let it go for the kids. All negative things will become part of who they are,” Raftas said.

Don’t yell at boys if they act up. That just reinforces that they are bad children, the panelists agreed.

“You have to recognize you are part of the creation of this. They hear you talk about how bad dad is and they want him to redeem himself. You are mad at yourself for choosing him,” Raftas said.

The panel also suggested you enlist male relatives or friends to provide role models or look into a program like Big Brothers Big Sisters of the Lehigh Valley. There is information at www.bbbslv.org.

This week’s panel: Joanne T. Raftas, registered play therapist and counselor, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: dhc128@psu.edu

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and a panel of independent child health professionals.

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