Q: I am 13 and my sister is 11 and our parents argue a lot. I feel sick to my stomach when I hear them yelling at each other. I can’t really tell what it is all about, but it is scaring us. What can we do to get this to stop?

You can’t stop it and should stay out of the way when your parents are arguing, said the Family Project panel.

“You can’t intervene. What you and your sister need are coping skills. Put headphones on to tune it out or go into your room to get away,” suggested panelist Joanne Raftas.

“When the dust settles and everyone is calm, approach one of your parents to talk. Use “I” statements such as ‘I feel upset when … ’ and ‘I feel scared when ... ’ Express how you feel,” said panelist Denise Continenza.

“Tell your parents you get a stomachaches when you hear them argue,” added Raftas.

Unfortunately, children are pretty helpless in a situation like this, said panelist Mike Daniels.

“This is a difficult situation since you want it to stop, but there’s not much you can do. You can’t get in the middle of an argument. You could get hurt,” Raftas said.

“Talk to your school counselor. Many schools run groups for kids whose parents aren’t getting along. They work on skills of how to talk to your parents. You don’t want to learn this as normal behavior,” suggested panelist Chad Stefanyak.

It is not your fault, the panel agreed.

“You might think you did something to cause this. Whatever your parents are arguing about, it’s not your fault. It is your parent’s responsibility,” Raftas said.

“Take care of your younger sister. Keep her away from the arguing and take her with you when you go in your room. She is probably feeling distress, too,” Daniels said.

Reach out to a relative or your clergy, suggested panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo.

“You need to talk to someone to let it out and let someone know what is going on,” Mercado-Arroyo.

“It is very hard for anyone to listen to people argue. It is scary because you don’t know if going to go further and get violent,” Raftas said.

Raftas also suggested using art to express yourself and how you feel when this happens, Raftas said.

“Telling your parents how you feel is OK. But you can’t tell them what to do,” Raftas added.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Joanne T. Raftas, registered play therapist and counselor; Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, former teacher and administrator, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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