Q: My 10 year-old son has a very good friend whose parents are very permissive. They let the kids hike in the woods unsupervised and leave them alone at their house when my son is visiting. I am not comfortable with this and have been making excuses why he cannot go over to his friend’s house. How do I handle this without destroying my son’s friendship?

There is no right or wrong in this situation, agreed the Family Project panel.

“Your son’s friend has more flexible parents and it’s just a different way of parenting,” said panelist Mike Daniels.

“We live in a different world and for many people, anxiety is so high over the simplest things. Talk with your son about what is your comfort level and why,” said panelist Joanne Raftas.

“Tell him, ‘This is my parenting style and this is where I stand.’ Invite the other child to your house and observe how he behaves,” said panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo.

Try to get to know the other parents, the panel members suggested.

“Have a ‘parent date’ and learn about each other,” added Mercado-Arroyo.

“Have an honest conversation with other parents. Say something like ‘I’m a worry wart and over cautious.’ Ask if they have the kids check in and explain you would be more comfortable if they checked in periodically,” said panelist Denise Continenza.

“Perhaps the other parents can lighten you up and you can encourage the other parents to become more vigilant,” Continenza said.

Daniels suggested inviting the whole family over for a conversation.

“You want it to be about sharing information rather than you dictating demands,” Daniels said.

“But if you still don’t feel comfortable, it’s OK to say no to a 10-year-old because you don’t agree with the rules in the other household. You are more concerned about supervision than the other parents. Tell your son, ‘This is my issue, but this just isn’t in my comfort level,’” Raftas said.

Your son doesn’t have to give up his friend. He can still spend time with his friend by bringing him to your house where there is supervision, panel members agreed.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Joanne T. Raftas, registered play therapist and counselor; Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, former teacher and administrator, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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