Q: My 16-year-old is very rude. Any time I ask him to do something he says “shut up” and puts on his headphones to tune me out. I have tried taking away his electronics but he always finds them. What can I do?

You and your son have gotten in a very negative pattern of communication that needs to be reset, the Family Project panel agreed.

You need to talk about this with your son once the dust has settled and you need to set boundaries, the panel recommended.

“Your son has more power in the relationship than you do. You need to stand up to him. It’s hard when teens are going through their own stuff to get them to be reflective of their own behavior and how it affects others,” said panelist Joanne Raftas.

“He is trying to assert his independence, but that is no excuse to be belligerent,” agreed panelist Denise Continenza.

“He is trying to find his own power. Kids grow up with their parents as constants, but when they reach adolescent, you have to sit down and talk with them that they are not five anymore,” said panelist Mike Daniels.

Raftas acknowledged that this is a very frustrating situation.

“He may be having a hard time, and taking it out on mom because mom is a safe place, but it is not OK to talk to someone that way. You are paving the way for a power-play between you and your son,” Raftas said.

Panelist Pam Wallace asked if this is a new behavior or something that has been going on for awhile.

“There could be something else going on,” Wallace suggested.

“He may be going through anxiety or be under pressure and you need to understand that,” agreed Raftas.

“It can be hard for a 16-year-old to see his parents as people with feelings. It’s OK for a parent to say, ‘I was hurt when you said that.’ It shows the child that you are human,” said panelist Chad Stefanyak.

You need to establish ground rules and involve your son in that, the panelists said.

“Ask him when the rules are broken what he thinks is the appropriate response and then follow through,” Stefanyak said.

“Start with improving communication, Make the rules together and agree on the consequences. Make it three strikes and you’re out,” Raftas added.

Raftas suggested putting his electronics in the car and taking them with you.

“You have to follow through or you’re not teaching anyone anything,” Raftas said.

Daniels said he is not a fan of taking things away.

“Be care not to buy into his scenario. You will never win. The teen will always take it farther,” Daniels said.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Joanne T. Raftas, registered play therapist and counselor, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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