Q: Our 12- and nine-year-olds fib about their chores and responsibilities. For example, they lie about feeding the dog or claim to have no dirty laundry and shove it all under their beds. What can I do?

The Family Project panel recommended that you don’t rush to label this behavior as lying, but instead try a more positive approach.

“A parent may want to catch a child in a lie to show them how bad lying is, but this can be harmful,” said panelist Joanne Raftas.

“It always raises a red flag when a parent of young children describes it as lying, or labels it as defiance,” agreed panelist Mike Daniels.

“It’s part of childhood that you don’t want to disappoint your parents. You also don’t want to get in trouble and you don’t want to do chores. Children believe their own lies. Trust that they are just trying not to get in trouble,” Raftas added.

“At these ages, children are finding their own independence. But they need to understand things need to get done,” said Daniels.

“Focus on observable behavior. Tell the child, ‘I see a big pile of dirty clothes shoved under the bed. How did that get there?’ said panelist Chad Stefanyak.

“Balance observations with addressing non truth. Tell them it’s OK to make mistakes if they forgot to feed the dog,” Continenza said.

Maybe too much is expected in chores from the children, the panel agreed.

“Perhaps you need more discussions about the importance of chores. At 12 and nine, they don’t have the same understanding of the importance of chores as an adult. Are they getting paid or rewarded with something like extra computer time,?” Raftas wondered.

“What is specifically being asked in regards to chores? For a kid, some things can be overwhelming. Giving them simple one step directions are more doable,” Stefanyak said.

“They are at different developmental levels. You can expect more from the 12-year-old,” Daniels added.

“Another strategy is to companion them on their chores. Maybe they can’t organize it in own brain. To help them get their chores done, sit and guide them over time so they know what they have to do. Judgment demands punishment, so reframe it. If the focus is lying, you are missing ways to improve your relationship,” Raftas said.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh Children & Youth; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Joanne T. Raftas, registered play therapist and counselor, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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