Q: My 17-year-old never wants to accept help from anyone. He is struggling in a class and won’t go to the teacher for help. How do I let him know it is OK to ask for help?

At 17, a student should know he can get help if he’s having problems in a class, according to The Family Project panel.

“He’s been learning his whole life. He’s watched kids get extra help in school, but a lot of kids see getting help as only for students with special needs,” said panelist Mike Daniels, who suggested looking for a pattern of refusing to accept help.

“At 17, his job is to figure out who he is. Right now, his mother thinks he needs help. But at this age, he can decide what help he needs. If his grades aren’t good, then his parents can make an issue,” Daniels said.

Panelist Chad Stefanyak agreed that this seems to be more of an issue for the parent than the child.

“At 17, he thinks his mother doesn’t know anything. He is at a point developmentally, where he just tunes out his parents. If the grade is an issue, he is more likely to listen to his school counselor,” Stefanyak said.

Daniels asked if there is something different about the particular class.

“Is he not understanding the material or does he just not care about grades? If there is a problem, the school will be aware of it,” Daniels said.

Rather than worry about one class, focus on his successes, said Daniels.

“Have a conversation with the student about what’s going on in the class,” suggested panelist Denise Continenza.

“At 17, he is likely a senior and might just be done,” said panelist Erin Stalsitz.

Stefanyak suggested the problem may have to do with peers.

“He is not likely to ask questions in class when his friends are around because of peer pressure. Talk to him about how he can ask for help in a discreet way when no one is around,” Stefanyak said.

However, Stefanyak wondered if the students thinks if he ignores the problem, “it will go away.”

“Look at the values and culture in the family,” Daniels said.

“Do you as parents ask for help when you need it? What behavior are you modeling?” asked Daniels.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh Children & Youth; Denise Continenza, extension educator, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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