Q: My 12-year-old daughter does not like her two-year-old sister. She will babysit, but doesn’t want anything else to do with her. I make a point to do things with just my older daughter and she seems to enjoy it. But I’m afraid she will never like her sister.

Normal sibling rivalry and a big age difference may be making this situation more difficult, said the Family Project panel.

‘Never is an awfully long time and I don’t think you need to be concerned that this won’t change,” said panelist Mike Daniels.

Daniels noted that the older girl was probably eight or nine when she first heard about a new baby sister. She had always been the center of attention and suddenly, there is a replacement.

“You already know the answer is to spend time with your older daughter. Have a conversation with her and talk about what she was like at two. How was she the same and how is she different from her sister? Make it about family,” Daniels said.

“A 10-year age gap makes it harder,” said panelist Chad Stefanyak.

“A 12-year-old is starting to do cool things and there is nothing cool about a two-year-old. When they both get older and the two-year-old can do more, bonding will take place,” Stefanyak said, adding, “Age 12 is the perfect age for her to be disinterested.

“At age eight, she would find the baby more fun and at age 14, would be interested in making money by babysitting,” Stefanyak said.

Panelist Pam Wallace wondered if having the older girl babysit makes her resent her sister.

“Babysitting a two-year-old is not a lot of fun. Acknowledge that taking care of her sister may not be fun for her,” Daniels said.

“Parents often have visions of their kids growing up and being best friends, but reality is not that simple,” Stefanyak said.

“Try not to force it or the 12-year-old may resent her sister even more. Give it time to play out and make sure you set time aside to spend with the older daughter,” Stefanyak said.

“Look carefully and you will probably see little signs of love between the 12-year-old and her sister,” Daniels said.

“You are already modeling love for your older daughter. Children learn from their parents that you take care of little ones,” Daniels said.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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