Q: My 10-year-old daughter wants to be perfect. The amount of stress and anxiety it causes her is heartbreaking. Whenever something isn’t perfect she says, “I’m stupid.” Any tips so she does not need to go through life with all this stress?

Being a perfectionist can be very stressful, but also can be a motivator of achievement. She needs to find the right balance, said the Family Project panel.

“It is part of her personality and you can’t change that,” said panelist Joanne Raftas.

“The best you can do is help her to make the connection between her expectations and her stress,” Raftas said.

“Have her look at how is it impacting her and what she can do to handle this. People can achieve a lot when they are perfectionists because it drives them,” said Raftas.

“Talk to her about her feelings and acknowledge she feels very strongly about being perfect,” said panelist Mike Daniels.

“Help her navigate the fact that perfection doesn’t exist, but it doesn’t mean people don’t want to be perfect,” Daniels said.

“Every time she says, ‘I’m stupid,’ you have to follow up with an affirmation to balance it. Let her know we all feel stupid at some time,” said Daniels.

Panelist Pam Wallace asked, “What are you as parents modeling? Are you perfectionists? What messages are you sending to her?”

“Reach out to the school guidance counselor,” suggested panelist Erin Stalsitz, adding, “Perhaps there is a support group.”

Have her learn to redirect her anxious energy, the panelists agreed.

“When she starts to feel stress, she should do something physical like go for a jog,” said panelist Chad Stefanyak.

“She needs to find coping mechanisms,” agreed Raftas.

“She needs to get to a place when she feels ‘I’m stupid,’ she goes and does something else. It will reduce the stress in the moment. She needs your help to see the signals,” Raftas said.

“When she is upset with herself, she needs to close her eyes and take deep breaths to reconnect her brain and body,” said Daniels.

“When you are anxious, you are not breathing in as much oxygen,” added Raftas.

“Learning to cope with this is a rite of passage and she will probably go on to be a high achiever. She just needs to take care of her mental health,” Raftas said.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist; Joanne T. Raftas, registered play therapist and counselor, and Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh Children & Youth.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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