Q: My six-year-old, who had always been honest in the past, has started lying lately, mainly when he thinks he’ll get in trouble. How do parents handle lying?

Don’t jump to conclusions, said the Family Project panel. Approach this situation carefully.

“When we assume that children are lying we assume the worst. It is not honesty versus dishonesty,” said panelist Michael Daniels.

At six, he’s still using “magical” thinking, which is why a child with cookie crumbs all over his face will insist he didn’t eat any cookies, the panelists said.

“He’s just starting to come into his brain and is figuring out how to manage telling his parents things that put him in a better light,” Daniels said.

“Not all lies are created equal,” agreed panelist Chad Stefanyak.

Don’t label a child a liar, warned the panel

“He’s not at that place developmentally. He wants to please his parent and will give you the answer he thinks you want to hear. Don’t make this a bigger event than it needs to be,” said panelist Joanne Raftas.

It’s important to put value in honesty, but also important to make the child feel comfortable and not make him feel he is going to be yelled at, the panel said.

Panelist Pam Wallace asked, “How have you reacted in these situations previously? You need to handle things so he isn’t afraid of you.”

Try not to be “in his face” when you discuss this, agreed Daniels.

“Don’t ask questions you know the answer to. As children get older their fear changes and they don’t want to get in trouble. Fear is a natural dynamic between a parent and a child, but it needs to be balanced by compassion,” Daniels said.

Don’t be confrontational, and set up a situation where you’ve backed him into a corner, Raftas said.

“Switch direct questions into another way of talking about the situation. Show the value for saying truthful things. Have the conversation and let it go. Put the value in communicating,” Raftas said.

Handling this is a balancing act, the panelists agreed.

“Don’t confront and don’t ignore it. You need to find a middle ground,” Raftas said.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist; Joanne T. Raftas, registed play therapist and counselor, and Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh Children & Youth.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

The Times News, Inc., and affiliates (Lehigh Valley Press) do not endorse or recommend any medical products, processes, or services or provide medical advice. The views of the columnist and column do not necessarily state or reflect those of the Lehigh Valley Press. The article content is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, or other qualified health-care provider, with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.