Q: My seven-year-old is very discouraged after losing a contest in school. He did everything himself and we didn’t know anything about it until he came home crying. I’m afraid of him losing his motivation.

Losing is a part of life, says the Family Project panel.

“This is just a single instant in this boy’s life. If it’s his first experience with failure, think about what you want to teach him. You want to tell him to try his hardest and do his best. Acknowledge the fact that he is sad and disappointed. Give him a hug and encourage him to do his best no matter what,” said panelist Mike Daniels.

One of the things a child is learning at age seven is you don’t always come In first, agreed panelist Chad Stefanyak.

“Your job is to build him back up and encourage him to try again. Praise his effort. Losing is a part of life,” Stefanyak said.

“Talk about what happened and ask him if he felt like he put in enough effort to have come in first,” added Daniels.

“He should be praised for being so self-motivated. Tell him, ‘You can’t always win but I’m proud you did this on your own.’ Let him know if he ever needs help in the future he can come to you,” said panelist Pam Wallace.

Feelings are short-term, said Daniels.

“This was a blip on his radar and he will move past it as long as his parents don’t dwell on it. Kids heal best when adults don’t get upset,” Daniels said.

“With such a self-motivated child, it is unlikely something like this will make him not care,” said Stefanyak.

“When a child strikes out, he is upset at the moment. But he usually bounces back when everyone goes out to get snow cones,” Stefanyak said.

“This will be one of many times he faces disappointment,” Daniels said.

“You have to prepare them for ‘not success.’ It’s not failure. Talk about what he can do next time to do better. It’s all about effort and the experience he gets from that effort,” said Daniels.

“Don’t hold on to this even if you are upset because your child is hurt. Everything is exploration at this point. His motivation will be found in his passion. The emotional aspect will pass as long as you don’t dwell on it,” Daniels said.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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