Q: My strong willed four-year-old daughter wants to stop playing in her soccer program even though she has four games left. I told her that she had to go because she had made a commitment to the team. She went, but just refused to play. What do I do?

At four, your daughter is a little young for team sports and the concept of responsibility to a team, said the Family Project panel.

“She has no idea what commitment is. Right now her responsibilities are going to the potty and eating dinner,” said panelist Mike Daniels.

Forcing her to stay on the team could have the unfortunate effect of teaching her that “mom will make me sit through things I don’t like so I don’t want to sign up for anything ever,” panelist Chad Stefanyak said.

“Try not to see this as defiance but as independence, because she’s making her own decision. It is absolutely appropriate developmentally at this age for a child to not do something if she doesn’t want to do it,” Daniels said.

Teaching her commitment and to stick to something she started is a good lesson when she’s older but now is not the time to teach that lesson, said Stefanyak.

“The is the age when a child should be engaged in running, jumping, climbing and free play. She just may not be ready to take on a team sport. It is great, that you are concerned about teaching her about commitment, but at four she can’t quite wrap her brain around it,” said panelist Denise Continenza.

Stefanyak suggested asking the daughter what she doesn’t she like about playing soccer with her team.

“Maybe she doesn’t like the coach. Maybe she doesn’t like how much time it takes. Maybe she has a problem with some of the other kids. But if you force her to do this it will be miserable for you both, Stefanyak said.

Start a conversation about this Daniels said.

“Say, ‘It sounds like you don’t think soccer is much fun.’ Acknowledge she isn’t having fun and let it be OK for her to tell that it’s not fun,” Daniels said.

The concept of team play and commitment is only just developing at this age, Continenza said.

“Don’t give in to parental peer pressure to start children playing sports so young. If she doesn’t want to play a sport at this age, that’s OK. Free play is still the best for children,” Continenza said.

It’s understandable that you want your daughter to be around other kids, but you don’t want her turned to trying new things, Stefanyak said.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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