Q: My 2½ year-old has been throwing tantrums for more than a year. Until recently, they were triggered by hunger or sleepiness, and not too frequent. But now she has big feelings, and she’s throwing sometimes two tantrums a day. She will scream herself until she is hoarse and can’t catch her breath. Once she gets started, there is no way to stop or distract her. Is this normal?

The Family Project panel applauds that the mother recognizes this is about her child’s oversize emotions.

“Tantrums are about big feelings,” says panelist Denise Continenza, adding, “She can’t control it.”

It is important to validate her emotions and experiences, said panelist Mike Daniels, noting that at this age, she is just starting to experience what is going on as emotions.

“When she was born, she was helpless. As we grow we have mini tantrums called crying when we are hungry or tired, and our parents respond to them,” Daniels said.

Panelist Pam Wallace agreed that tantrums are a normal part of development.

“She doesn’t have the intellect or the words to tell you what is going on with her. She has tantrums to get your attention,” Wallace said.

Panelist Chad Stefanyak worried that the baby girl’s tantrums “seem excessive” since she has several per day and struggles to catch her breath.

Daniels suggested trying to determine what triggers the outbursts.

“When they start escalating, try to identify what happens prior. Once she is screaming, it is a signal she is out of control and doesn’t know what to do,” Daniels said.

Are there any new stresses in her life, such as a new sibling or a change in environment, asked Continenza, adding that possible triggers can be exhaustion or too much stimulation.

“It sounds like she has an emotionally intense temperament. The role of the parent is to teach her self-control and help her manage strong emotions,” Continenza said.

Is she being allowed the freedom to explore, Daniels said.

“When we are born, our jobs are to need, explore, wonder and learn. She has moved into the explore phase,” said Daniels.

“A safe place to explore with guidance will help minimize frustration. While we must use ‘no,’ it shouldn’t be the first word she always hears,” Daniels said.

Stefanyak said that frustration could be a trigger.

“This age is a big time for autonomy. She wants to do things for herself. But it can be difficult for parents because there isn’t always time to let children do things themselves. It takes a great deal of patience,” said Stefanyak.

“Make sure she is safe and then let her carry on without responding to her. Once she realizes she is not getting anywhere, she will stop. Managing a tantrum can be tricky,” Continenza said.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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