Q. How do I address questions from my four-year-old daughter that are usually asked when she meets new kids her age, questions such as “What if they laugh or make fun of me?” They are always self-doubting questions. How do I increase her confidence and self-esteem in these situations?

“There are a number of factors involved when you see insecurity in a child that age,” panelist Joanne Raftas said.

Raftas, who is the author of a paper on self-esteem, said that being connected is one of the things that helps a child feel better about his or herself: “She might be having difficulty socializing, but at four-years-old there’s not much socialization. She may just need to be around more children one on one.”

“How is the mother feeling about herself?” panelist Denise Continenza asked. “The child may be picking up on the mother’s negative feelings.”

“Sometimes parents are critical of their children and that could be influencing the child,” panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo said.

“Unless the girl has had an experience with someone laughing at her, why would she even think of that?” Raftas asked, adding, “Maybe the way the parents are communicating with the girl is creating some anxiety.”

Panelist Mike Daniels said, “I’m thinking it would be helpful to tell the four-year-old how to respond to laughter, and how to establish if someone is laughing at or with the girl.”

Raftas, referring to her paper, said that there are four basic conditions necessary for high self-esteem. They are connectiveness, power, uniqueness and models.

“It’s about feelings,” Raftas continued. “You can talk to the child and ask her how she would feel if someone laughed at her, or didn’t want to play with her? This gives the child a sense of power because she has a choice on how she wants to respond.”

Uniqueness respects qualities that make individuals different and, in turn, are respected and admired by others for possessing those qualities. The parents can point out the unique qualities of their four-year-old and why others would see them as positives.

Models are reference points that provide us with human, philosophical and operational examples for our lives. Such models help us establish meaningful values, goals, ideals and standards. Pointing out the child’s positive models is another step to helping her gain self-esteem.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist; Joanne Raftas, Northampton Community College, independent counselor, and Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, former teacher and school administrator.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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