Q. My wife and I have three children ages 4, 9 and 13. We are separated and share custody. The problem is that we do not agree on anything: not bedtimes, not the use of electronic devices or phones, age-appropriate games, dinner choices, nothing. How can we successfully raise our children if the same rules do not apply to both houses?

“The first thing we need to understand is that the children already know that their parents disagree,” panelist Mike Daniels said. “So, the kids have learned to live with that their whole lives.”

“In my parenting classes,” panelist Pam Wallace said, “I tell the parents to grow up and resolve their petty arguments. They need to come together for the sake of the children, providing consistency of rules.”

“I work with this all the time and saying ‘Grow up’ doesn’t always work,” panelist Joanne Raftas said, adding, “The parents can be so caught up in the arguments that they don’t realize how they are behaving, and that they are teaching their children how they shouldn’t behave.

“What is behind this,” Raftas continued, “is the power play parents get into when they separate or divorce. The children are in the middle.”

Raftas said that some of the inconsistencies may be an attempt to get on the good side of the children and being a friend by giving them what they want. “This is so disruptive for the children. Children need parents, not friends,” said Raftas.

Panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo said that it’s important that the children respect both parents. “If they don’t, when they grow up, they won’t respect anyone.” She recommended that the father get a mediator to help them reach some type of agreement.

Raftas agreed, suggesting that finding a parenting coordinator or looking online for the county custody guide to help create a parenting plan. In Northampton County:

www.legalconsumer.com/childcustody

“The mother isn’t likely to change,” panelist Chad Stefabyak said, adding, “I would focus on what her response is going to be, and how the father will react.”

Panelist Denise Continenza said that the American Academy of Pediatrics has information on child-rearing, such as appropriate bedtimes based on children’s ages:

www.aap.org

The panel agreed that there is a need for rules. but that there are two households, and two people involved. While consistency is important, there are going to be some differences, and that is OK.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist; Joanne Raftas, Northampton Community College, independent counselor, and Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, former teacher and school administrator.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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