Q. My children, ages six and four, spend every other weekend with their father. We divorced two years ago. When the children come back to my house, they are completely out of control. They fight with each other, are overly rambunctious and it takes two days to get them back to normal. I spend the first day yelling and screaming to get them to calm down. What should I do?

“I deal with this at least once or twice a week with the families I work with,” panelist Joanne Raftas said, adding, “It is very hard for kids to be going back and forth between homes. They become anxious about the changes and take it out on each other.”

Raftas suggested that the mother make up a plan for when the children come back to her home: “Ask the children what would help them adjust when they come back. The more the mother understands their difficulty and can talk to them about it, the better the children will transition.”

Rather than asking the children what they want to do when they come back to the mother, panelist Mike Daniels recommended presenting a plan to the children: “After you get home, we’re going to have 15 minutes of ‘you time.’”

Daniels’ rationale is that “the children’s brains at six and four don’t allow them to think about what they are going through. They simply experience it.”

“Be careful not to plan too many things in the transition,” panelist Denise Continenza urged, adding, “Keep it low key.”

The mother may need to talk to her ex-husband, panelist Chad Stefanyak said, adding that cooperation between the two parents is really important.

Stefanyak also urged the mother to be careful not to make assumptions about the other household: “The other household is not why the youngsters are acting up. It’s just the transition.”

Daniels advised that the mother find professional help for herself and the boys in dealing with the transition: “Children need comfort, and yelling and screaming at them is incompatible with that. They don’t know why they are being yelled at. When emotions are up and down, we need parents to model an evenness and provide a calm environment.”

On a positive note, Raftas said that children can adjust: “They can adjust to different rules and personalities and places, such as when the go to different schools.”

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist; Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh Children & Youth, and Joanne Raftas, Northampton Community College, independent counselor.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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