Q. I am struggling as I am slowly stepping into a stepmother role for a seven-year-old boy who has lost his mother. I’m marrying his dad soon, and the son has really attached to me over the past year. No one I know is a stepmother because of death, and I don’t have children. I am not sure where to start. Instant mom! I see misbehaviors and anger in the boy that make me nervous because I don’t know how to parent and help him. Are his needs different than other children because he lost his mother so young?

“Recognizing that this mom-to-be is interested in nurturing is very important because she needs to be able to acknowledge that her soon-to-be-stepson is in a grieving process and probably will be for a long time,” panelist Mike Daniels said.

Since some of the boy’s anger and other behavior may be coming from the loss of his mom, panelist Erin Stalsitz said the stepmother should have a conversation with the father about getting professional help for the child to deal with the grieving process. “She isn’t a professional. She’s a stepmom. Her role is to be loving and supportive,” said Stalsitz.

Referring to the stepmother’s lack of parenting knowledge or experience, panelist Pam Wallace suggested that she could take a parenting class at Project Child with or without her new husband just to get some ideas.

“In asking her questions, the stepmom already is doing something right,” panelist Chad Stefanyak said. He recommended that when Mother’s Day comes around, the family recognize the biological mom. “The stepmom will never take the place of mother, but she can help create some happy new memories,” said Stefanyak.

Following up on that idea, Stalsitz suggested making a Life Book with the son.as a way to recognize the connection with the biological mother.

Panelist Denise Continenza added that it was OK to ask the boy about his mother.

Panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo urged the stepmother to “let things go slowly and try to enjoy every minute as it comes along.

“Don’t force him to call you ‘mom.’ He can call you whatever makes him comfortable. And feel free to give him advice if he asks for it. There won’t be a perfect child or a perfect stepmom, so do your best and be there for him,” said Mercado-Arroyo.

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, former teacher and school administrator, Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist, and Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh Children & Youth.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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