Not very long ago, a friend was going through a bad patch in her marriage. I shared with her one of the most important things I learned as my marriage ended. It applies to either gender: Have your own bank account.

Between myself and my ex, we barely made enough to cover household expenses, and sometimes not even that. It seemed sensible at the time to keep our money combined in a joint account. I did note the inequity of the money he was putting to his 401k and company stock before his earnings even touched our account. But it wasn’t a real problem, until suddenly, it was.

One day, shortly before he moved out, he informed me he had canceled our joint account. I was gobsmacked. We had automatic payments for bills coming out of that now non-existent account. I had some time to look into what to do, and I was shocked to find he technically did nothing wrong. One member of a joint account can close it, depending on your bank’s policies.

I went to the bank, and they were able to reopen the account. Of course, I had two more problems: (1) there was now no money in the account and (2) he could always close the account again. So the bank opened a new account in just my name, and I had to scramble to get my direct deposits and bill payments moved over.

Even more trying, the debit card for the newer account has now been hacked twice. I am planning to close the account soon. The problem is the multiple steps required to move the direct deposit for the child support. It requires a phone call to the state, then a form that has to be signed by someone at the bank, and then returning the form to the state. I understand the state is being cautious. I just wish it could function at a 21st century level. I sometimes feel its systems are from the 1980s.

I was raised Catholic and Lutheran, and I believed in the sanctity of marriage. And even when mine started falling apart, it never crossed my mind he would be able to simply cut off my access to banking. Knowing what I know now, my advice is, please have your own account: One that only you have access to. Even if you can’t put much in it. It won’t do any harm, and can save a lot of stress and heartache in the long run.