The Family Project: Sibling rivalry addressed with discussion
BY CAROLE GORNEY
Special to The Press
Q. Between one and five times a day my two children (five- and seven-years-old) get into all-out screaming matches with one another. I’ve read great advice in parenting books about handling sibling conflict. But what do you do when they won’t shut up long enough to let you use your amazing parenting strategies? They have come to blows once or twice, but it is usually just both kids screaming. What can I do?
“Sibling rivalry fairly common,” panelist Joanne Raftas said, adding, “The children are looking to get their parents’ attention. When the parents try to fix the problem, it is a win for the children.”
Referring to the rivalry as a “power struggle,” panelist Chad Stefanyak said any parental action needs to be undertaken five or six times a day, corresponding to the number of the children’s outbursts. “Dealing with the shouting is necessary, but only when all is calm,” Stefanyak said.
Rather than separating the children and putting them into time-outs, panelist Pam Wallace said it would be better if the children had to face each other and listen. “They won’t want to do this five times a day,” said Wallace.
Raftas suggested that the parent or parents sit down together with the children after the shouting has stopped, and listen to what each child has to say. The parent should provide some object that is given to each child or parent to enable each to speak.
“These listening sessions will be torture for the youngsters,” Raftas said, “so they will be more inclined to resolve the conflict on their own.”
The sessions can also be a good thing for providing teachable lessons in communication, listening and conflict resolution, Raftas added.
If the children refuse to listen or cooperate, Stefanyak said the parents can regain power by taking away a privilege: “The parent determines the consequence and how to deliver it. She needs to be really strict with this so that the siblings don’t fight so much.”
“Often times, there may be one child causing more difficulty,” Stefanyak continued. “In that case, the parents may sometimes have to work with the children individually.”
Looking at the youngsters’ point of view, panelist Erin Stalsitz said, “Keep in mind that kids are indoors now, most not going to school. With too much time on their hands, they are getting bored.”
Stalsitz and others on the panel suggested that a more structured day with planned activities might help.
This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Joanne Raftas, Northampton Community College, independent counselor; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor, and Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh Children & Youth.
Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org
The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.
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