Q. How do you deal with different parenting styles between your spouse and yourself, especially involving discipline? My husband yells at our children often and makes, I think, hurtful remarks. I rarely yell, and try to deal with them positively when they misbehave. My husband thinks that I am too soft on them; I think he is too harsh. How can we come to a point of working together?

The panelists expressed concern about the situation discussed in this question because they said it could adversely affect the children.

“It sounds like the parents didn’t have this conversation before having children,” panelist Mike Daniels said.

Panelist Joanne Raftas explained that the parents each have important roles to play: “The father’s role is about teaching the children about how to get along in the world, and follow the rules. Mom’s role is much more about nurturing and relationship building, but there needs to be a balance.”

Raftas added, “In this case, there seems to be too much at either end of the spectrum, which can be very hurtful to the children. A bit more moderation is probably what the children need.”

“If you don’t see more moderation closer to the 50-yard line, you may see both parents going even more over the top at both ends,” panelist Chad Stefanyak said, adding, “This will play out as even more frustration between the two of them.”

“So how do they come closer to the 50-yard line?” panelist Mike Daniels asked.

Panelist Denise Continenza said the parents need to agree to sit down to discuss specific situations and listen to each other.

Daniels said the discussions should take place outside the home where it is quiet and in the context as a couple.

Stefanyak said, “I would guess this is a problem not only about how the rules are being enforced, but what are the rules. They need to sit down and decide what is important before they try to reinforce the rules.”

Panelist Pam Wallace and the rest of the panel recommended that the couple look into parenting classes, such as those offered by.

“A parenting counselor can help the parents better understand their children,” Raftas said, adding, “If the parents want the children to change, they need to change. They can’t expect all the change to come from the youngsters.”

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist, Denise Continenza, extension educator; Joanne Raftas, Northampton Community College, independent counselor, and Chad Stefanyak, school counselor.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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