Q. My four-year old ends up in our bed almost every night even though she starts the night in her bed. We have tried incentives for her to stay in her own bed, but it hasn’t worked. How can I keep her from coming in every night or do we wait for her to grow out of this behavior?

The consensus of the panelists is that if the child is getting into her parents’ bed almost every night, and the parents really want it to end, then they are going to have to disrupt their own sleep for awhile.

“When the daughter gets into bed with the parents,” panelist Joanne Raftas said, “they need to get up, walk the child down the hall to her own bedroom, put her back to bed, and wait a few minutes until she is calm.”

There is a cultural element to the topic, panelist Chad Stefanyak noted: “Some parents might find it embarrassing that their four-year-old is still sleeping with them. The important thing is not to emphasize it so much that it becomes a big problem.”

Based on the wording of the question, and the child’s failure to respond to incentives, panelist Pam Wallace said the child’s behavior may be a fear-based reaction. “The four-year-old wakes up, is feeling afraid, so she climbs into bed with her parents to feel comfortable.”

This is very common behavior with children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Raftas said: “They have very active imaginations, and at sleep they scare themselves. You have to wait until they grow out of it, but with ADHD kids, it can take longer.”

Panelist Mike Daniels said that some children can’t self-soothe when they wake up. “If they are suffering, they need comfort. For children experiencing trauma, holding and being with parents is very important.”

If the parents are sleep-deprived, panelist Denise Continenza said it may be in their best interest to not make the situation a negative and let the child sleep in bed with them: ”We set deadlines for our kids to stop getting into bed with us: the end of the summer or when they started kindergarten. It may seem like it is forever, but it isn’t.”

This week’s panel: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist, Denise Continenza, extension educator; Joanne Raftas, NCC, independent counselor, and Chad Stefanyak, school counselor.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

The Times News, Inc., and affiliates (Lehigh Valley Press) do not endorse or recommend any medical products, processes, or services or provide medical advice. The views of the columnist and column do not necessarily state or reflect those of the Lehigh Valley Press. The article content is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, or other qualified health-care provider, with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.