BY MARY BITTNER HENRY

Special to The Press

En Nie Sort Rigel-Wake

Ich glawb nuch om end dos ich net de Hawsa Barrick pusht-office greek, un ich muss farhoftich ebbes hovva unich dara administration, far es is de ledsht dos ich expect Republican tsu si.

Ich hob ga-tzaeled yader mon os far der Bench Harrison g’vote het daid en office greega, un es wore uns so farshprucha.

Now doot usht about anes ous a hoonert en office greega.

Awver ich hob now applied appoint wara Envoy Extraordinary un Minister Plenopotentiary fun da United Shtates tsu Doodletown.

Won sell mere far un-glicked don gane ich on my patent rigel-wake fardich maucha so dos won der Seaboard & Western net boll coomed don will ich en shtock coombany raisa far aner bowa, Ich hob en plan far aner, un dare kusht holver so feel os we en braid gage.

Usht ae rigel us my blan.

Du densht awver mer con kae train runna uff so ma single track, awver ich hob en blan os es doot.

My blan us os der head engineer sich forna uff de ingine shtelt mit so ma longa pole un doot de gons train seller wake balansa - so uff en awrt os we der circus mon os uff em tight-g’shponta shtrick uff un ob lawft.

Un we shtarricker os de train shpringt uff meim patent single track we safer os es is, far es is yusht won de kars shtill shtaena os se um - folla.

Of course my blan is os mer de kars uff yader side shteibert won de train ols shtupt on da stations, un won mer ob shtart nembt mer de shteiber aweck un der mon mit em longa pole gaid widder ons balansa, der conductor gebt’s wardt “all aboard” un derno widder uff un ob we en hoonert horsepower gwidder shtorem.

Ich hob aw en blan far en rigel-wake os mer de train runna con barrick nuff un nunner oona ingine - gons fun sich selver, Of course, anicher norr wase os barruck nunner gaits anyhow fun selver, Awver barruck nuff runna fun selver is en onner ding.

Awver ich hob der blan un nem aw en patent rows derfore, Der blan is os ich de hinnera redder feel graeser mauch os de feddera, un sell doot derno es g’wicht fum kar fun hinna ahead pusha un es fershtaet sich fun selver os es de feddera redder forna weck dreibt un de hinnera aw derno hinna noach tzeeged.

So en rigel-wake we ich bow wart hendich, Ich will ene usht far de accommodation fun da bowera, Mer brouch sich derno net dote shprunga far connection maucha.

Won der engineer ous duwock coomed un dreft en bower aw in ma feldt om blooga don con are usht “down brakes” pifa, de train shtibera, runner shteppa un aner ob bisa; derno “toot-toot” un are is wider ob os es dunnert un weddered, Mer breicht aw ken warts-heiser om wake noach.

Won’s about middawg is kent mer on ma bowera house shtuppa, un won en gooter oldter Pennsylfawnisher dart wooned don date are de gons train eilawda tsu’m essa, Der ansich droovel ware de fensa uff un tsoo laega won mer dorruch de felder gaed,

Ich tzale yaders fun mina freind frie passes gevva ivver my wake, De Piolly gebt der Bresident fum nia Nickel-Plate Grand Trunk Single Track wake, un wile se gor feel fun dere denked wart se woll dich net fergessa, Ich luss dich’s awver wissa eb’s ob gaed.

A Little Bit of This and That

A New Kind of Railroad

I think in the end that I will not get the Harrisburg post office job, and I must certainly have something under this administration, because it is the last time I expect to be a Republican.

I told every man who voted for Ben Harrison I would get an office, and it was promised.

Now only about one in a hundred will get into office.

I now applied for an appointment for Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenopotentiary from the United States to Doodletown.

If that does not happen, then I will finish my patent for a railroad so if the Seaboard and Western doesn’t soon come I want to raise a stock company for one farmer.

I have a plan for one, and it costs only half as much as a broad gauge. Just one rail is my plan.

You think we cannot transport cows on such a single track but I have a plan that will.

My plan is the head engineer stands fully on the engine with a long pole and balances the whole train that way - sort of like the circus man who walks quickly on a tight rope.

And the faster the train runs on my patent single track, the safer it is because it is only when the cars stand still that they fall off.

Of course my plan is we brace the cars on each side when the train stops at the stations, and when we start up we take the brace away and the man with the long pole starts balancing again, the conductor gives word “all aboard” and once again go like a hundred horse-power thunderstorm.

I also have a plan for a railroad we can use one engine to go up and down the hill - all by itself.

Of course, any fool knows it will go down by itself. But going up by itself is another thing.

But I have the plan and I will take out the patent for it.

The plan is I will make the rear wheels much larger than the front ones, and that will push the weight from the rear of the car and it will balance itself because the front wheel drives and the rear ones pull along.

So a railroad like I propose would be handy.

I want it used to accommodate the farms.

We don’t have to kill ourselves to make a connection.

When the engineer runs out of tobacco and meets a farmer plowing his field, he just has to use his “down brakes” whistle, slow down the train, step down and bite a piece of tobacco off; the “toot-toot” and he is again off like a thunderstorm.

We also do not need a hotel on the way.

When it is about noon we can stop at my farmhouse and if a good old Pennsylvania Dutchman lives there, then the whole train can unload and eat there.

The only trouble is to open and close the fence, if we go through the field.

I will give to many of my friends free passes for the railroad.

Polly will be the president of the new Nickel-Plate Grand Trunk Single Track Railroad, and while she knows many of you she does not want to forget anyone.

I will let you know when it happens.

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Editor’s note: Fun Boonastiel in Pennsylvania Dutch by T.H. Harter, Bellefonte (1904). Translated by Mary Bittner Henry.