Q. My hours recently changed at work, so now I must start earlier. I used to take care of the morning routine myself, but since I started this new schedule, my husband has not offered to help me in the morning. When I mention that I could use some help, he gets irritated. How can I approach this?

The panel agrees that this is a communication and problem-solving situation, where timing and tone are important.

“The mother needs to have a conversation with her husband about this, but in the framework of working together to address the problem,” panelist Pam Wallace said.

“The time to talk about this is not at the moment when things are already hectic,” panelist Mike Daniels said, adding, “Choose a more relaxing time, and keep it positive, acknowledging that mornings are hectic for everyone, including the father.”

“Avoid accusing the father of not helping,” panelist Denise Continenza said, adding, “Instead, the wife should talk about her routine, and ask him for ideas on what changes she could make, and how he might be able to help.”

The mother needs to be specific in identifying what she does in the morning, make lunches, serve breakfast, get children ready for school, walk the dog, and how the change in her work schedule is affecting her ability to continue to do everything herself, panelist Mike Ramsey said, adding, “General statements like ‘I need help’ can lead to confusion. It would be better to say, ‘It would really help me if you could walk the dog in the morning.’”

Panelist Erin Stalsitz said the conversation should be about what everyone can do to help, adding, “It should be a team approach like a business. What can the kids do to help? What can be done the night before, such as packing lunches?”

Stalsitz also said that the mother should consider that her husband might not know how to do the things she needs done, and that might be contributing to his response to her request for help.

The timing and positive tone can change the interpretation of the husband’s irritation at being asked to help, Ramsey said, adding, “If the discussion is held over the weekend when things are more relaxed, and the husband is still irritated, then the wife needs to explore where the irritability is coming from. There may be something going on that the wife is unaware of.”

This week’s team of parenting experts are: Pam Wallace, program coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Denise Continenza, extension educator; Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh Children & Youth; Mike Ramsey, program supervisor, Valley Youth House, and Mike Daniels, LCSW, owner/therapist, Creative Treatment Solutions.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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