A funny tale pops up when people talk about marriage and anniversaries: A couple was celebrating their golden anniversary by renewing their vows. At the conclusion of the little ceremony, their pastor congratulated them on 50 years of marriage and posed to them one question: “At any point along the way, did divorce ever cross your minds?”

The husband responded with a quick “No, never.” The wife nodded in agreement and said, “Divorce, no. Murder, yes.”

And such is the stuff that marriages are made of.

This past fall, my husband and I celebrated our 35th anniversary. We took a trip with our church to Europe and renewed our vows in a chapel at Lourdes, France. In the months leading up to the trip, I joked that we had to do this at a place where miracles happen since only a miracle could explain our having gotten to that point. While I do believe strongly that faith played a huge part, it was also commitment and perseverance on both our parts that made it work.

As is the case with most things that humans attempt, people need information and resources. When it comes to marriage and relationships, parents are their children’s most important teachers. Dave and I were both blessed with parents who modeled what it means to love and work together, never giving up on each other and always seeking to understand the other. They taught us how to kiss and make up.

We also sought out resources like professionals and books. Sometimes, the going got tough, especially during transitions like the addition of another child or unexpected job changes. At those times, we sought the input from a third party to guide us through. We also took advantage of church-sponsored couple’s retreats where we could get away, focus on each other and refresh our relationship.

One book that truly made a difference was “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. The author proposes that we all have a preferred style of receiving love, as well as a default mechanism of how we tend to give love. Problems can arise in marriages when the partners are communicating differently, as if in other languages. For example, some people show love with words of affirmation (“You are amazing”) while others perform acts of service or kindness (“I emptied the dishwasher for you”). The trick is to learn to recognize and acknowledge each other’s language and then learn to speak each other’s dialect. So often what happens is that one partner speaks, and the other doesn’t hear the message. Unless they become familiar with each other’s ways of expressing love and affection, this missed connection creates a chasm in the relationship.

Another great book is “Fighting for Your Marriage” by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg. Conflict resolution is a necessary skill in any relationship, especially in a committed one. Many couples today are functioning under the illusion that conflict is bad, and once the honeymoon is over and differences become apparent, it is time to call it quits. Nothing is further from the truth. As life goes on and becomes more complex, it is inevitable that couples will disagree - and sometimes strongly. It is important to know how to “fight” respectfully and constructively. This is healthy.

I encourage you to take the time and invest in your relationship toolbox, especially since we celebrated Valentine’s Day earlier this month. Look for relationships you emulate and find out what makes them tick. Increase your self-awareness and continue to learn about your spouse or partner. Communicate. Celebrate. Work hard.

Milestone anniversaries happen by choice, not by chance.

Editor’s note: Denise Continenza is the family and consumer sciences educator with Penn State Extension, Lehigh and Northampton counties.