Q. My eight-year-od son seems to enjoy the company of a boy in the neighborhood who is 11. He shows up at our house every day, and from what I see, he is a big brother to my son. They play games together nicely, and he is very polite. I have tried to visit the boy’s house and meet a parent, but no adult is ever home, and no one calls to check up on him. My concern is: Why would an 11-year-old want to play with an eight-year-old? Should I put restrictions on how much time he spends at our house? I want to be kind, but I am concerned about this relationship.

While the panel praised the mother for being concerned, and expressed its own concerns about the age gap, the experts also noted that not all children mature at the same rate and age.

Panelist Pam Wallace noted that the older boy may not be that much more mature than the son, and-or the son may be more mature than normal for his age. That might explain their both liking to play with each other, she said.

What concerns panelist Denise Continenza is the apparent lack of parental guidance for the 11-year-old: “The lack of supervised behavior and parental engagement is troublesome. I would be cautious and encourage the mother to supervise their play, and not let them go off alone.”

Panelist Erin Stalsitz said it sounds like the eight-year-old’s mother is the one who is doing the supervising: “It is up to her to set the boundaries. She could tell the older boy that he can’t spend every day at her house, or she could limit the amount of time each day.”

Wallace urged the mother to make more of an effort to try to talk to the other parents.

A drawback to the relationship, panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo said, is that the boys are not learning to be comfortable interacting socially with youths their own age. “The mother should check at school who her son socializes with. She could also encourage her son to invite other children to come over to play.”

Continenza suggested that the mother encourage her son to get involved in more activities where he will meet new children his own age: “It is not good for children to restrict their relationships to one person. In this case, it may just be a friendship that is easy or convenient. It takes effort to make friends.”

This week’s team of parenting experts are: Pam Wallace, Program Coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, educator and former school administrator; Denise Continenza, extension educator, Penn State Extension, and Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh County Children and Youth Casework Supervisor.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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