Q. Steve and I have been living together for four years, and we are thinking about starting a family. Is it important for children to have married parents? We are fine as we are, but not sure whether getting married is the right thing.

In answering this question, the panel discussed it from several different perspectives.

Panelist Kristy Bernard said that the decision about marriage had to be the right thing for the family: “I don’t think there is a ‘right thing’ anymore. It is more about how you treat each other: the relationship you have that you can show to your children because there are plenty of parents who probably shouldn’t be married and aren’t really teaching their children what good relationships are.”

Panelist Mike Daniels also addressed the “right thing” point. “It is not so much that there is no ‘right thing’ anymore. It’s that ‘right’ is now defined by everyone individually,” he said.

Panelist Denise Continenza added, “Today there are all kinds of families. The important factors are that the parents are committed to each other and provide a happy, secure environment for their children.”

Several of the panelists said they would like to know why the couple did not think they needed to get married.

Panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo said, “If they love and respect each other, I’m not judging, but only asking why they can’t take the next step.”

Daniels suggested that the couple may be afraid that marriage will wreck things. “I hear this from young people all the time,” he said, then continued, “We can’t put our values on this. It is not for us to decide.”

The panelists agreed that having children without being married could raise complicated legal issues, and they suggested that the couple talk to a legal advisor. If there is some tension between the two over the marriage issue, it was suggested that they discuss it with a relationship counselor.

Addressing the question if it was important to children to have married parents, Daniels said it depended on the children. “The issue of marriage alone is not going to hurt the children one way or another. The question may never come up.”

If it does, panelist Chad Stefanyak said, “The parents can get married and involve the kids. It is not something that has to be decided today.”

This week’s team of parenting experts are: Pam Wallace, Program Coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist, CTS; Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, educator and former school administrator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Kristy Bernard, Northampton County CYF program specialist and training coordinator, and Denise Continenza, extension educator, Penn State Extension.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org.

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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