Q. I’m sure everyone has gone through this, but it mortified me. What do you do when a young child (loudly) points to someone and says, “That man is fat,” or something equally embarrassing?

In response to the question, the panel observed that what young children say is an observation, not judgmental.

“Children learn from observation, sight and sound, and experience,” panelist Mike Daniels said, adding, “They make comparisons, but not connections.”

Clarifying the point, panelist Kristy Bernard continued: “Young children don’t have the filters or moral compasses to understand how what they say can hurt people’s feelings. They just say the truths of what they see, the factual observations.”

What parents don’t want to do is criticize the child, said Daniels.

Panelist Denise Continenza said another way to approach the situation is to “acknowledge, but not admonish.”

Daniels and other panelists suggested using situations such as that mentioned in this week’s question as a way to educate children about differences, although they recommended waiting for a while after the incident to have the conversation.

In explaining how children’s observations of differences can be a teachable opportunity, Bernard used the example of a student in her classroom who had a birthmark on his head. “I explained to the student that his classmates had never seen a birthmark, and they were just curious. Then the class discussed how everyone looks different, and that that is OK.“

Panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo also suggested talking about similarities, ”the ways that we are the same.”

When a child says something embarrassing about someone in public, panelist Chad Stefanyak said it is not only appropriate for the parent to apologize, but “it is important for the child to watch.”

The panel agreed that most people will acknowledge that the comment is coming from a child who is trying to understand his or her world by making non-judgmental observations.

This week’s team of parenting experts are: Pam Wallace, Program Coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist, CTS; Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, educator and former school administrator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor; Kristy Bernard, Northampton County CYF program specialist and training coordinator, and Denise Continenza, extension educator, Penn State Extension.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org. The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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