Q. I am divorced and my eight-year-old son has bonded very closely with his grandfather, my dad, who has been taking care of him while I work. We have just found out that my dad has cancer, and is not expected to live more than a few months. I have not told my son yet. How do I tell him, and then how do I help him get through the next couple of months?

Everyone on the panel agreed that the son should be told sooner rather than later.

“A good place to start,” panelist Chad Stefanyak said, “is to find out how much the son knows about death.“

The good news, according to Stefanyak, is that there is a lot of good children’s literature on the subject targeted to the son’s age. The books can be found in public libraries, online or at schools.

Once the son has read one of the books, panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo said the mother can ask the boy about his reaction.

The mother may also want to contact a guidance counselor at school, and advise the son’s teacher, panelist Pam Wallace suggested: “The counselor can help with the conversation about death without creating fear.”

There also needs to be a conversation with the grandfather, Stefanyak suggested. “He may want to talk to the grandson himself, so respect his feelings. Also, ask the grandfather if there is anything he would like to do with his grandson while he is relatively healthy.“

As for helping the son get through the next few months. Wallace said, “Let him know you are there for him, and help by being present in his life.”

Stefanyak added that the mother and son are going through this together: “Mom can explain that it’s OK to cry and to remember. She can also explain what a funeral is, why we have them, and why it is all right to laugh and cry during a funeral.”

Mercado-Arroyo said it would also help to encourage the boy “to make the most of the time he has left with his grandfather.” She suggested having the son write or draw pictures to record the most cherished memories of time spent with his grandfather. The son could also be encouraged to put together a collage of photos for the funeral, Mercado-Arroyo said.

At some point, panelist Erin Stalsitz said, decisions will have to be made about how much to tell the son and how much contact he should have with the grandfather as his condition worsens.

Panelists mentioned several times that the mother needs to begin transitioning soon to a new caregiver, as well as trying to find a new male role model for her son.

This week’s team of parenting experts are: Pam Wallace, Program Coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, educator and former school administrator; Chad Stefanyak, school counselor, and Erin Stalsitz, Lehigh County Children and Youth.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org

The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.

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