Q. My 10-year-old daughter’s father and I never married, and he has not been very involved in her life. I have been seeing a very nice man, and I think it is getting serious. What is the best way to introduce her to this new relationship, especially when she is used to it being only the two of us?

Panelist Mike Daniels said that it was a great opportunity to have a conversation about needs and relationships: “Ten-year-olds know about dating, and if the mother hasn’t had a conversation about this the daughter is making it up in her own mind.”

Daniels recommended first finding out what the daughter thinks is happening when the mother goes out. Then give her the facts, but rather than approaching the subject as mommy is seeing someone, Daniels suggested saying, “Mommy has been going out, and I want to talk about what I’ve been doing.” Then the mother can say, “I’ve met someone, and he’s fun, and I’d like to introduce him to you.”

“If the daughter says ‘No,’” Daniels continued, “thank her for her response and respect it. If the mom introduces the man anyway, she not only has destroyed her relationship with her daughter for a while, but she also has destroyed any relationship with the man.”

Instead, the mother can continue seeing the man until the daughter is ready to meet him, Daniels said. “Making the daughter ready includes continuing to be the good mom, focusing on their relationship, and telling the daughter when she is going out, what they did and how she enjoyed it.” Panelist Pam Wallace added that the mother needs to provide reassurance that she loves spending time with her daughter, and that no one will ever replace her. “It will always be ‘us.’” At the same time the mother can explain that she needs to have adult friends just like the daughter has her own best friends, Wallace said. Daniels said another important messaging to give to the daughter, would be, “We both need to be comfortable with and care about anyone who enters this relationship with us. That is why I want you to meet my friend.”

Panelist Erin Stalsitz urged the mother to discuss the daughter’s reaction with her boyfriend, explaining how she is handling the situation.

Stalsitz also considered how and where the daughter should meet the man when she was ready. She recommended involving the daughter in the discussion. “The meeting shouldn’t be long the first couple of times. Maybe a couple of hours. Make it fun,” she concluded.

This week’s team of parenting experts are: Pam Wallace, Program Coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Erin Stalsitz, casework supervisor, Lehigh County Children and Youth, and Chad Stefanyak, School Counselor.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org. The Family Project is a collaboration of Lehigh Valley Press Focus and Valley Youth House Project Child.