Q. My 10-year-old is continually being disappointed by her father’s canceling plans with her or just not showing up. We never married and he has not had much of a role in her life. I’ve tried talking to her father, but that hasn’t changed anything. How can I explain his behavior without seeming too critical? And what can I do to make her feel better?

In talking with the daughter, the panelists agreed that it‘s important for the mother to say that she doesn’t know why the father acts the way he does. She just needs to be honest, they said.

“The focus should be on what the mother can do to make the daughter feel better,” panelist Chad Stefanyak said.

Panelist Pam Wallace said one thing the mother can do is to make it clear that her daughter is not to blame for what is happening. She said the mother should tell her child, “It’s not your fault. It’s just the way your father is.”

Wallace added that the conversation could be a “teachable moment” in which the mother explains that life will have disappointments, but it is how you deal with them that is important.

“The fact that the mother said she didn’t want to be too critical of the father is helping her daughter with the relationship,” said panelist Denise Continenza.

She suggested that the mother encourage her daughter to let her dad know how she feels about his behavior toward her. “It’s important for him to know his behavior has consequences.”

“Father figures are important for girls,” panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo said. “The daughter needs a male role model, perhaps an uncle, who can provide some of what she needs. It’s important for her to experience a little of how it feels to have a father.” Continenza noted that there is plenty of research to show that women will seek out relationships similar to those they experienced as children. “So, she may get into a marriage where she is expecting to be disappointed.”

“The question,” according to panelist Erin Stalsitz, “is whether the daughter is disappointed in her father because he isn’t there to take her somewhere, or is she disappointed because of the lack of a relationship?”

Another step the panelists said the mother could take would be to talk to the father again if he is the one initiating the plans with the daughter. “Try to find out if there is something getting in the way,” Stefanyak suggested. “Ask him if there are any obstacles the mother could help eliminate. Ask what can be done to resolve the problem and eliminate the hurdles.”

This week’s team of parenting experts are: Pam Wallace, Program Coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Erin Stalsitz, casework supervisor, Lehigh County Children and Youth, Chad Stefanyak, School Counselor; Joanne T. Raftes, Registered Play Therapist; Denise Continenza, Extension Educator, Food, Families and Health, Penn State Extension and Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, Educator and former school administrator.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org. The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.