Q. My three-year-old grandson has become very aggressive. He hits and slaps his parents and angrily yells at them. I have told his parents that this is not appropriate behavior, and that they need to stop it. He does not try to hit me. He is an only child who has not been in child-care other than family. He does not try to hit me. What guidance can I give my son and daughter-in-law?

The first step, according to panelist Joanne Raftas, should be for the grandparent to talk to the parents to determine if they see their son’s behavior as a problem, and if so, how they feel about it, and how they are trying to deal with it.

“The best thing is for them to admit that there is an issue,” Raftas said. “The next step is to work on good parenting behavior.”

Panelist Denise Continenza followed up with a question about whether the parents spanked or hit their son, or if they yelled at him. “I’m wondering if this is a learned behavior?” Modifying the parents’ disciplining behavior might help, she said.

Trying to talk to grown children about their children might hurt relations, so panelist Erin Stalsitz recommended being very cautious. The conversation could begin, she suggested, by explaining the grandparent’s concern that the aggressive behavior might continue into preschool. “If he doesn’t behave well at home, it is going to show up in other settings.”

Understanding what is behind the child’s aggression is also a factor, Raftas said, adding that sometimes three-year-olds don’t have the words they need, so the inability to communicate how they feel leads to frustration and aggression.

Parents can help by slowing things down during encounters, while trying to determine what the child is trying to say, or what he is feeling when he is getting aggressive.

There was agreement among the panelists that the parents need to set boundaries, making it clear to their son that hitting is not acceptable, ever. There were different perspectives on telling the child “no.”

Panelist Pam Wallace observed that “parents don’t like to say ‘no,’ but sometimes you have to say it as a way to set boundaries.”

In this case, Raftas cautioned, “Saying ‘no’ could cause more aggression because you are taking power away from the child, who may already be frustrated.“

Suggestions were made by several panelists that the boy should be sent to day care for at least several hours per week.

“Sending him to day care would provide some kind of structure and boundaries,” panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo said. “In day care he could also learn to socialize with other children and adults.”

Wallace said the experience, even for a couple of hours, would provide an opportunity to observe how the boy reacts to other children.

An alternative presented was to take the child to a pediatrician to determine if there were any physical reasons for the child’s aggression.

Another resource suggested by Wallace is parenting education classes at Project Child, available by calling 267-930-4625 or emailing projectchild@projectchild.org.

This week’s team of parenting experts are: Pam Wallace, Program Coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Erin Stalsitz, casework supervisor, Lehigh County Children and Youth, Chad Stefanyak, School Counselor; Joanne T. Raftes, Registered Play Therapist; and Wanda Mercado-Arroyo, Educator and former school administrator.

Have a question? Email: projectchild@projectchildlv.org. The Family Project is a collaboration of the Lehigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.