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Q. My spouse and I recently split up. I am interested in dating someone, but my children, ages 10 and 14, are not happy about it. Could it be too soon for me to start seeing other people?

The panelists approached the answer to this question not only from the perspective of the children, but also the parent who is considering dating again after a recent split with her spouse.

“Does she feel she’s ready?” panelist Denise Continenza asked first, then continued, “She definitely needs to keep her children’s needs in mind, but that shouldn’t dictate when she decides to start dating.”

“My reaction is that her children initially are saying ‘absolutely not,’” panelist Mike Daniels said. “She hears that, but they are 10 and 14, and that is not always going to be their position on this. But for right now, she has to respect that and explore her sense of self.

“If mom reacts, ‘Yes, I’m dating,’ or ‘No, I’m not dating’ based on the children saying, ‘No, we don’t want you to do it,’ that is premature,” Daniels continued. “So, she just bides her time and says, ‘I respect that.’

Daniels said there are many questions that need to answered: How long ago did the parents split up? Are they just separated or divorced? How much do the children know? What does the parent mean by “dating”?

“If she wants to meet someone for coffee at some point, OK, but she doesn’t have to make a black and white decision right now,” Daniels said.

Panelist Joanne Nigito-Raftas provided her own insights: “My biggest concern is that if she is dating too soon, she will have a lot more to deal with than just meeting somebody new.

“The children are having trouble with the split up, and I think, as the parent, she needs to spend time with the children, and everyone needs to be in a place where they understand what happened. It sounds to me like they are in limbo right now.”

Nigito-Raftas was definite in her advice about dating for parents who aren’t divorced yet: “Absolutely not. There’s a lot to learn through the process of going through a divorce, understanding what happened, and the children learning to adjust.

“If you have not yet learned those lessons, and you jump into the next relationship, you are complicating things. It is like a complicated grieving process. If the parent’s goal is to get everybody in a good place, then she has to concentrate on that right now,” Nigito-Raftas said.

Responded Daniels, “I think ‘grieving’ is the perfect word for it. It’s a loss of her relationship and of the family system. My experience has told me the children always know more than you think they do. My advice would be just to be honest about where you are in this process.”

Panelist Wanda Mercado-Arroyo observed, “When parents go through a divorce, the children are going through the divorce. So, I think you should focus more on the kids.”

Continenza cautioned against introducing a new person into the family too quickly. “When the relationship doesn’t work out, it’s another loss and more grief. Proceed with caution. I know the mother has a personal life, but sometimes we have to keep our priorities in order and put the kids first.”

“The ages these children are at are very critical in a divorce,” according to Nigito-Raftas. “They are trying to figure out their own identity.” She said a parent has every right to meet his or her needs, but going out to date and leaving the kids at home alone is only meeting the parent’s needs. “It’s a very difficult time, and you have to give it some time.”

Taking a different approach, Nigito-Raftas said, “This isn’t just about the kids. This is a process for her, as well. So, jumping into another relationship or even just dating takes a lot of energy, and right now I think her energy needs to be focused on self and the kids and the family.”

The panel agreed that now might be a perfect time for the parent to get counseling from an objective third party.

Topic Team

This week’s team of parenting experts and guest panelists are: Pam Wallace, Program Coordinator, Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House; Chad Stefanyak, School Counselor; Wanda Mercado-Arroyo; Joanne Nigito-Raftas, Registered Play Therapist; Denise Continenza, Extension Educator, Food, Families and Health, Penn State Extension; Mike Daniels, LCSW, Psychotherapist, CTS, and Julie B. Davitt, Nutrition Education Adviser, Penn State Extension Nutrition Links.

The Family Project weekly column is a collaborative effort between the Leigh Valley Press Focus section and Valley Youth House’s Project Child.