What do you think of when you hear the phrase “overindulged children”? I always thought of kids who had a lot of stuff and opportunities. You know - the kind of kids who rarely hear the word “no” and seem to get everything they want. The kind who act bratty and entitled.

But a recent read of a book called “How Much Is Too Much?” by Jean Illsley Clark, Ph.D., expanded my perception of what overindulgence really is. And to my surprise, my score on a questionnaire I completed in the back of the book classified me as one who unintentionally overindulges my kids a bit.

The goal of parenting is to raise responsible and respectful children so they can be successful adults. Simple enough. No parent says, “I want my kid to think he can have everything he wants whenever he wants it.”

Nor do they profess that they want their child to never feel constricted by rules and boundaries. Yet, very subtly and unintentionally, parents often do things that give children such messages.

The reasons parents overindulge children are many. Sometimes, we are just too tired to try to negotiate or argue, so we cave in to their demands. Other parents want to give their children the things they did not have as a child. Working parents often feel guilty about not having more time to spend with their children so they balance that with saying “yes” to more than they ought to. And some parents simply have ample resources and don’t realize they are being overindulgent in the first place.

Overindulgence can be divided into three categories: too much, too little or too soon.

Too much is the definition that most of us probably defer to when hearing the word “overindulgence.” Sometimes, parents find it too hard to say the word “no.” This could be to material requests, pleas for privileges or demands for attention.

Too little is when parents have low expectations of children and, as a result, inhibit the development of responsibility. Chores, school projects and taking care of one’s self and possessions are areas where parents often fall prey to such overindulgence. Rather than holding a child responsible for completing chores, tasks or assignments, parents step in and do them for their child.

Too soon refers to giving children boundaries or freedoms that are not developmentally appropriate for them, such as late curfews or inconsistent rules and expectations.

So, what’s the problem with giving kids lots of stuff and letting them off the hook? There is nothing essentially wrong with providing for more than just our children’s needs or helping them out once in a while. But when it becomes a pattern and an expectation - “Dad will buy me whatever I want” or “If I don’t take out the trash, Mom will do it” - the stage is being set for an adult who will feel self-centered, entitled and disrespectful. People like this do not make good employees, friends or neighbors. We are not doing our children any favors by succumbing to their every whim and desire or shielding them from consequences. Many situations are best managed with negotiation, but sometimes children simply have to hear “no.”

I had my personal epiphany during the parent assessment when I answered the questions related to how much a parent does for their kids. I am guilty as charged of not having wanted my children to experience frustration. I also did things that they could have done because it was easier or quicker and also because I was laden with guilt over being a working mother. Thankfully, they have grown into successful, responsible adults.

Denise Continenza is the family and consumer sciences educator with Penn State Extension, Lehigh and Northampton counties.