Denise Continenza, a family and consumer sciences scholar at Penn State Extension, Allentown, recently hosted her final presentation in a series of summer community workshops at Jerusalem Church of Western Salisbury.

The final session was “The Art of Family Communication.”

Continenza discussed the benefits of talking about feelings with children since children tend to act out their feelings.

She had her audience participate by verbally completing various parts of the “I” statements. She explained there are four parts to an “I” statement or message. “I feel…” “When you…” “Because….” and lastly “I want you to….” These statements prove valuable to use with children as well as adults and work in almost all situations with the exception of a safety concern where a quick response is needed.

When using these statements with children, Continenza said it is imperative to be as concrete as possible because children are very literal.

Also, Continenza stressed it is important to make sure children know that feelings are valid even if they differ from one child to the other. Children understand what they say affects other people, so it is advantageous to learn and use feeling words early on. It also helps to build a child’s social and emotional tool kit.

The “I” messages are so important because the last part helps both parties work together on a solution, Continenza noted. Such statements are nonthreatening. Starting a statement with “you” can cause the other person to become reactive and/or defensive.

Continenza discussed how each home should have three non-negotiable rules. These rules will change as children grow. The rules can offer some leeway for those involved to get what they want. For example, if a child is not allowed to go outside alone but wants to, a good rule could be the child must ask an adult to go out with them, they are not alone, and get to be outside.

Communication is key on so many levels, Continenza said.

Another skill Continenza feels is important is summarizing. She said it is important to restate and verify exactly what is expected. This way everyone is clear and on the same page. She explained this works for all ages and is a great strategy to use in a work situation as well. She went on to say summarizing gives the opportunity to ask questions if someone is unclear.

Continenza concluded the discussion with family meetings. She explained how she feels there should be family meetings during neutral times and the frequency can vary depending on what works for each family.

Family members would be required to present their information, topic, concerns, etc. in a respectful way. Continenza feels starting the meeting with a compliment is advantageous and sets the tone of the meeting in a positive manner.

Continenza closed her program with several points: The importance of restating and being clear on the rules; positive reinforcement and choices and/ or rewards for children.

The series also included the workshop titled “What Makes my Child Tick?”