Some arguments never seem to go away.

The debate over whether children should attend child care or preschool or stay home until kindergarten is one of them. Another is whether mothers should work outside the home. And a more recent one has to do with where the focus of energy should be in the home – on the children or the adults?

When asked my opinion on these topics, I tend to respond, "Well, it depends." Truthfully, I am not trying to take the wimpy way out. I simply believe there is not one preferred way for a family to function. It is, indeed, dependent upon what works best for any given family.

Many factors, including biological ones, play into what children need, and those needs range dramatically. If a family is going to be stressed due to the financial constraints of one income, then they should probably be a dual-income family. If Aunt Sue is the second Mary Poppins and offers her services in the home at no cost, then by all means, the children may be better off in her care than in a preschool program. There is no one-size fits all. Every family is unique.

This also rings true when busy parents try to allocate their precious time. What is the right balance between personal needs, the couple's needs and children's needs?

Recent literature on the subject is moving away from the concepts of "child-centered" and "parent-centered" relationships. The emphasis is now being placed on the family unit. Parents are being encouraged to make decisions based on what is best for the family as a whole instead of what is good for the children or themselves.

Parents are good at putting their needs last, preferring to meet the children's needs and desires above all things. This often means skipping the gym or a date night in favor of running children to activities or staying home so children can host their friends. It somehow feels selfish to parents to tell their children they need to spend the evening with a sitter because the parents are going out. Taking a vacation without the children is almost criminal. Yet, does full-contact parenting really benefit the children? Well, it depends...

The real question is "What does our family need?" If mom and dad are calmer, healthier and happier because they go to the gym every day, then this is a good family decision. If parents need alone time (and hopefully they do!) after the children are in bed, it is reasonable for the family rule to be that children stay in their rooms after a certain time, unless, of course, they are sick.

The family is a child's training camp for the real world. If their experience is that the world (their family) centers on them, they will be sorely disappointed (and self-centered) when they find out this is not reality. If they learn that they cannot always have everything they want, that sometimes the needs of others trump their own and that being a team player means having responsibilities, then they will be better prepared for the demanding and unfair world out there waiting to greet them.

Denise Continenza is a family and consumer sciences educator with the Penn State Extension Service.