Usually, my columns have to do with raising children. This topic strikes home quite easily with me from both a personal and a professional perspective.

I spend my days turning research into practical information for everyday family life and my evenings in the laboratory of my own home. More often than not, the family venue supports every last bit of the research findings ... for better or worse.

This month I am going to travel to the opposite end of the spectrum and address an issue facing the older population.

I was talking with a friend who is a mother, a grandmother and a daughter of an aging parent. Our sentences always seemed to begin with "I just wish they would ... " and we completed the statements with a variety of pleas.

The "they" in this case was not our parents, but rather the professionals who provide care or other services to our family members. We were sharing stories of taking our mothers to various appointments, and it ended up being a cross between a small support group and a stand-up comedy routine.

Even though we laughed as we reflected on some of the escapades we have had to maneuver through, we came up with a wish list of behaviors, practices and attitudes that we decided were necessary for tending to the elderly. Here is that list:

For doctor, nurses, therapists or other medical professionals:

· Speak directly to the person. Don't look down at your computer while asking the elderly person questions. Make eye contact, talk slowly and in a loud voice. Touch their arm to get their attention if necessary.

· Try to limit the number of people that an elderly patient must interact with. At one medical practice, a patient must see three other professionals for preliminary screenings before seeing the doctor. This is confusing for older folks.

· Introduce yourself to the person and explain what you are doing and why.

· Encourage the older person to have a family member or trusted friend present for appointments. Or ask permission to set up some way to communicate with this contact so that the family knows why a certain test is being ordered or a medication prescribed. Between diminished ability to hear and declines in cognition, an older patient does not always understand or remember the doctor's explanation.

· Put instructions in legible writing for the patient to take home.

· Speak slowly on voice-mail messages to the patient. Don't leave long, detailed messages. Keep it simple, like "Please call our office."

· Check for understanding. Ask the patient what he or she believes the treatment is for and how this will be done. Clear up any misconceptions.

For caregivers:

· Listen to their concerns and ideas. They have years of wisdom to share. Plus, their perception is their reality. Help them to be comfortable in their environment.

· Show regard for their personal possessions. Fold their clothes neatly and put things where they can find them. For those folks living in eldercare facilities, the possessions you see are probably all they have left.

· Observe them for changes in behaviors and habits; don't write it off as "just a sign of aging."

· Communicate, communicate, communicate with the older person, with the family and with the doctor.

· Educate yourself. Take charge of your professional development. Never stop learning. Aging is complex, and the research on age-related conditions is constantly teaching us new things. Knowing the root causes of observed behaviors and developing skills for managing them helps caregivers to do all the above.

· Most importantly, treat the elderly with respect. Talk to them as adults which they are. And remember, they are still our elders.

Helping an aging family member to live an enriching, fulfilling life is a team effort. Families rely on the support and expertise of the professionals with whom they interact.

Likewise, the family can be a source of support to caregivers and service providers as well.